The following is a conversation recorded by a device we have implanted in certain computers. Trust no one.
Benjamin Gaska 12:55 pm
It's very hot
Charlotte Gaska 12:56 pm
You said you would call Sears.
Benjamin Gaska 12:56 pm
I'll call tomorrow
Charlotte Gaska 12:56 pm
YOU WILL CALL TODAY OR I AM GETTING A DIVORCE
Benjamin Gaska 12:57 pm
FINE THEN IT'S NOT LIKE THE AIR CONDITIONING'S GOING TO MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A FRIGID B****
Charlotte Gaska 12:57 pm
F*** YOU
I DON'T NEED THIS
I HAD OPTIONS
YOU WERE MY BACK-UP PLAN
THAT HANDSOME DOCTOR RECENTLY LEFT HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE FOUND OUT SHE WAS CHEATING ON HIM WITH HIS DAD
I'LL GO TO HIM
Benjamin Gaska 12:58 pm
WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED SEARS YOURSELF I KNOW YOU CAN USE A PHONE YOU TALK ON IT TWENTY HOURS A DAY
Charlotte Gaska 12:58 pm
I'M NOT HEARING YOU ANYMORE
Benjamin Gaska 12:58 pm
YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE ME FOR MY SON
THAT WOULD MAKE THE FAMILY TREE TOO CONVOLUTED AND YOU KNOW I LOVE CHARTING OUT OUR FAMILY TREE
Charlotte Gaska 12:58 pm
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS FAMILY TREE
I'M GOING TO JAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR USELESS URETHRA
IT'S A DAMN MIRACLE WE EVEN HAVE A SON
BY THE WAY SINCE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU WON'T BE USING THE PHONE DO YOU MIND IF I CALL MY LAWYER
AND FILE FOR DIVORCE
Benjamin Gaska 12:59 pm
HE'S NOT YOUR REAL SON, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER NOTICED THAT YOU WERE NEVER PREGNANT OR GAVE BIRTH
Charlotte Gaska 1:00 pm
IT WAS PROBABLY ALL THOSE DRUGS YOU SOLD ME
Benjamin Gaska 1:00 pm
THAT WASN'T ME THAT WAS MY DAD
OUR FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TROUBLED
Charlotte Gaska 1:01 pm
I THOUGHT YOUR DAD WAS DEAD
I CAN'T EVEN KEEP TRACK OF WHOSE DAD IS WHOSE AND WHO OUR SON IS ANYMORE
Benjamin Gaska 1:01 pm
YEAH, BUT YOU STARTED YOUR DRUG PROBLEM 20 YEARS AGO
HE WAS ALIVE THEN THERE IS SUCH A THING AS PAST EVENTS
THAT'S WHY WE TRIED TO INTEVENE WITH YOUR DRUG PROBLEM BUT ALL YOU DID WAS SECRETLY INJECT ME WITH HEROIN AS I SLEPT SO I GOT ADDICTED AS WELL
THAT IS, IN FACT, ONE OF THE REASONS WE CAN'T AFFORD AIR CONDITIONING.
Charlotte Gaska 1:03 pm
AFTER I GET OFF OUR PHONE (WHICH WORKS, WHICH YOU COULD HAVE USED TO CALL SEARS) I AM CALLING THAT HANDSOME DOCTOR AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE LIKE A MILLION BABIES
AND YOU CAN''T EVER EVEN HAVE ONE
Benjamin Gaska 1:04 pm
WELL I WOULD HAVE HAD 10 BABIES ALREADY IF I HADN'T HAD TO SELL THEM FOR OUR HEROIN
I DID IT ALL FOR YOU HONEY
Charlotte Gaska 1:04 pm
IT'S TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE IT GOT TOO HOT
Our records end there. We’ll tell you more as it happens.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Candid* Confessions
Assisting the author today: Phil Amrahd
Richard Malkin, taxi cab driver, age 46, New York, New York: “Yesterday I went into a thrift store and tried on women's jeans. I am a size six. I was heartbroken to discover I am not a size five.”
*Related: you can view Richard's obituary on page 3.
Sam Shepard, doorman, age 59, Los Angeles, California: “When I was twelve years old I tore the legs off of my pet frog and blamed it on my dog. Mr. Hoppy was no longer hoppy. He lived for six more years. Occasionally he would look at me accusingly, and the guilt drove me to quit high school and become a doorman. Every time I turned on Frogger, I would hear a slow moan coming from his tank...I couldn’t tell if it was a coincidence or if it was his form of escapism, though I don’t believe frogs are capable of understanding escapism.”
Theresa Littleton, retired, age 73, Ontario, Canada: “Last week I bought drugs from a youth on the street. I had never used drugs before, and I have never felt more alive. I think I punched my husband in the throat. He’s been dead for five years. Who did I punch!?”
Carmen Musifun, age 23, flight attendant, Sydney, Australia: “The other day I promised a bunch of people who read this thing I do that I'd grant them a wish. I am in some serious trouble. F***.”
Richard Malkin, taxi cab driver, age 46, New York, New York: “Yesterday I went into a thrift store and tried on women's jeans. I am a size six. I was heartbroken to discover I am not a size five.”
*Related: you can view Richard's obituary on page 3.
Sam Shepard, doorman, age 59, Los Angeles, California: “When I was twelve years old I tore the legs off of my pet frog and blamed it on my dog. Mr. Hoppy was no longer hoppy. He lived for six more years. Occasionally he would look at me accusingly, and the guilt drove me to quit high school and become a doorman. Every time I turned on Frogger, I would hear a slow moan coming from his tank...I couldn’t tell if it was a coincidence or if it was his form of escapism, though I don’t believe frogs are capable of understanding escapism.”
Theresa Littleton, retired, age 73, Ontario, Canada: “Last week I bought drugs from a youth on the street. I had never used drugs before, and I have never felt more alive. I think I punched my husband in the throat. He’s been dead for five years. Who did I punch!?”
Carmen Musifun, age 23, flight attendant, Sydney, Australia: “The other day I promised a bunch of people who read this thing I do that I'd grant them a wish. I am in some serious trouble. F***.”
Unlikely Facts for 8/23/2010
•The highest grossing film of all time is Gone with the Wind. The term “gross” originated when movie producers saw how much money they had made. They said “this is wicked gross, dude.”
•Mark Twain’s older brother, David “Hickory” Twain died this day in 1901 from a cannonball to the chest. His last words were reportedly “There’s no way, you’re half-blind and 200 yards away. Also you’re firing in the wrong direction.”
•The average human belch contains the belcher’s darkest secrets, but you have to be listening very carefully to hear them.
•The rhinoceros has been known to charge without provocation, but in reality they just think you’re a total loser and deserve to be rhinoceros’d.
•The inventor of Axe bodyspray was a man named Daniel Axe. Before hitting it big in the highly-competitive bodyspray industry, he was a nature conservationist and a park ranger. I bet you thought I was going to say lumberjack.
*Bonus unlikely fact: this entire entry has been a palindrome.
•Mark Twain’s older brother, David “Hickory” Twain died this day in 1901 from a cannonball to the chest. His last words were reportedly “There’s no way, you’re half-blind and 200 yards away. Also you’re firing in the wrong direction.”
•The average human belch contains the belcher’s darkest secrets, but you have to be listening very carefully to hear them.
•The rhinoceros has been known to charge without provocation, but in reality they just think you’re a total loser and deserve to be rhinoceros’d.
•The inventor of Axe bodyspray was a man named Daniel Axe. Before hitting it big in the highly-competitive bodyspray industry, he was a nature conservationist and a park ranger. I bet you thought I was going to say lumberjack.
*Bonus unlikely fact: this entire entry has been a palindrome.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Unlikely Facts for 8/22/2010
• Late last night, an ice cream parlor in “Joaquin” Phoenix, Arizona, suddenly caught fire. No people were harmed, but the firemen called to the scene did not appreciate the irony of a burning ice cream parlor.
• There were once over eighteen Carolinas. We've slowly managed to merge them into just two now, but the containment is difficult.
• The South African Hurleybird has finally been hunted to extinction. It was also improperly named, as no Hurleybirds have ever even been seen in South Africa.
• Lighthouses were invented by Alec Eiffel, notable architect of the Eiffel Tower. Before he thoughtfully invented lighthouses, people never traveled by boat, as they couldn’t see the shoreline approaching. Or the sea monsters. Thankfully, after the first lighthouse was constructed, sea monster activity decreased dramatically.
• A parrot with laryngitis was discovered this weekend in London. Though it was one of those really annoying parrots that just bothered the hell out of everyone, so it was actually a blessing in disguise.
• There were once over eighteen Carolinas. We've slowly managed to merge them into just two now, but the containment is difficult.
• The South African Hurleybird has finally been hunted to extinction. It was also improperly named, as no Hurleybirds have ever even been seen in South Africa.
• Lighthouses were invented by Alec Eiffel, notable architect of the Eiffel Tower. Before he thoughtfully invented lighthouses, people never traveled by boat, as they couldn’t see the shoreline approaching. Or the sea monsters. Thankfully, after the first lighthouse was constructed, sea monster activity decreased dramatically.
• A parrot with laryngitis was discovered this weekend in London. Though it was one of those really annoying parrots that just bothered the hell out of everyone, so it was actually a blessing in disguise.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Unlikely Facts for 8/21/2010
• As the author Arthur C. Clarke once said, “Sufficient technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Unfortunately, technology has yet to develop an efficient way to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
• The traditional pizza has been around for centuries, but not much is known about its origins. I hear they come from a land Down Under.
• French, Spanish, and Italian (along with several others) are known as the Romance languages. This name comes from the half-French, half-Spanish, half-Italian (you should have seen this guy, three halves…he could use some reconstructive surgery) Explorer Emilio Giuseppe Jacques Romance, whose remains were recently recovered from the belly of an ancient sea monster.
• Several videogame developers have reported an increase in sales recently, probably because videogames are the only safe way to prepare our youth for the horrors of fast-food labor. Burger Time was never like this.
• People with green eyes cannot see dogs. Or what makes kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I imagine their lives are very difficult.
• The traditional pizza has been around for centuries, but not much is known about its origins. I hear they come from a land Down Under.
• French, Spanish, and Italian (along with several others) are known as the Romance languages. This name comes from the half-French, half-Spanish, half-Italian (you should have seen this guy, three halves…he could use some reconstructive surgery) Explorer Emilio Giuseppe Jacques Romance, whose remains were recently recovered from the belly of an ancient sea monster.
• Several videogame developers have reported an increase in sales recently, probably because videogames are the only safe way to prepare our youth for the horrors of fast-food labor. Burger Time was never like this.
• People with green eyes cannot see dogs. Or what makes kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I imagine their lives are very difficult.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Unlikely Facts for 8/20/2010
Today is the author’s birthday, so the facts will reflect that.
• On August 20th, 1944, Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin was born. He is reportedly the only person to grow up to be a debaser.
• On August 20th, 1942, Isaac Hayes was born. Best known as a musician, he was also a frequent contributor to the magazine Highlights For Kids.
• On August 20th, 1946, Connie Chung was born. Fired from her job at the CBS Evening News when it was discovered she had murdered several dozen young men with a removable shower head.
• On August 20th, 1935, Ron Paul was born. Ron Paul has a political plan that revolves around patricide, and he believes you really need to hear him out before calling him “crazy.” RELOVEUTION
• On August 20th, 1954, Al Roker was born. Al Roker once weighed over seventeen tons, but had some drastic weight loss surgery, and can now safely be around animals and small children.
• On August 20th, 1944, Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin was born. He is reportedly the only person to grow up to be a debaser.
• On August 20th, 1942, Isaac Hayes was born. Best known as a musician, he was also a frequent contributor to the magazine Highlights For Kids.
• On August 20th, 1946, Connie Chung was born. Fired from her job at the CBS Evening News when it was discovered she had murdered several dozen young men with a removable shower head.
• On August 20th, 1935, Ron Paul was born. Ron Paul has a political plan that revolves around patricide, and he believes you really need to hear him out before calling him “crazy.” RELOVEUTION
• On August 20th, 1954, Al Roker was born. Al Roker once weighed over seventeen tons, but had some drastic weight loss surgery, and can now safely be around animals and small children.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Unlikely Facts for 8/19/2010
* The song "I Am The Walrus" by the Beatles was written after an ill-fated trip to the zoo taken by John Lennon, which ended with several police calls and paternity suits.
* Lobsters come in many shapes, sizes, and colors, and each color has a different power. Blue lobsters, for example, can cut a man in half lengthwise. This is very disgusting, and I do not recommend looking it up online, as you may be grossed out.
* Idaho is, in fact, not the state responsible for producing the most potatoes, and frankly, that shatters quite a bit of my reality. Georgia, however, is still the world's leader in peaches, which should bring us all some peace.
* In space, no one can hear you scream, except for the other people who are in space with you, who really wish you would keep it together. Honestly. You're a damn spaceman, there's nothing you need to be screaming about.
* Statistically, flight is the safest way to travel. Unfortunately, most people lack superpowers, and just look silly when they try to fly. Capes do not help as much as you'd think.
* Lobsters come in many shapes, sizes, and colors, and each color has a different power. Blue lobsters, for example, can cut a man in half lengthwise. This is very disgusting, and I do not recommend looking it up online, as you may be grossed out.
* Idaho is, in fact, not the state responsible for producing the most potatoes, and frankly, that shatters quite a bit of my reality. Georgia, however, is still the world's leader in peaches, which should bring us all some peace.
* In space, no one can hear you scream, except for the other people who are in space with you, who really wish you would keep it together. Honestly. You're a damn spaceman, there's nothing you need to be screaming about.
* Statistically, flight is the safest way to travel. Unfortunately, most people lack superpowers, and just look silly when they try to fly. Capes do not help as much as you'd think.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Cautionary Tale
A Cautionary Tale
Names have not been changed to protect the innocent.
Jack and Jacqueline Mason (their names made them perfect for each other) thought they had it all. The money. The power. The women. You know, we’ve all seen Scarface. They even had a nice house, and a baby, named Jacob (Really? This family could use some tragedy). Jack was a veteran of the Australian-American war, and had brought back several armaments to serve as reminders of the horrors he witnessed on the beaches of Adelaide. These included a few rifles, a boomerang-pistol (a very interesting, if dangerous, weapon) and a few landmines, which he and his wife believed to be completely disarmed and harmless. Jacqueline was a flight attendant, which is completely irrelevant to this story, but I felt like she needed a little more characterization.
On a clear day in September, Jack and Jacqueline decided to share the history of the A-A conflict with baby Jacob. They checked the rifles, the boomerang-pistol (man you should see this thing), and the landmines, confirming they were all safe, and then, against their better judgment, allowed Jacob to examine each item in his own hands. He turned the rifle over, tinkering with the knobs (it was a very advanced rifle), before growing bored and throwing it aside. He then turned his attention to the boomerang-pistol, which he found very interesting. He held it up, carefully straightening his aim, and even gave it a throw a few times. This went on for several dozen minutes, which is an extraordinarily long time for a baby to pay attention to anything, but he finally exhausted his interest in the boomerang-pistol. The only remaining items were the few landmines, which were of several makes and models. A few even looked like small plastic balls. The baby was very amused with these, and even tossed them around. Jack and Jacqueline were very concerned over this, and quickly put the rifles and pistol away, but allowed the baby to continue with the mines, as every time they moved to take it away, he started crying fiercely. As Jack was putting the boomerang-pistol back into its special case, he heard a muffled BOOM, and quickly ran back to his wife and now-exploded child.
The aftermath was awful. Exploded baby was everywhere. It took several hours for police to arrive, and even the hardest of the lieutenants had never seen anything like this. Jacqueline had fainted on the spot. Jack, a war veteran, was sitting in the corner sobbing not unlike the time his buddy Joshua had been gutted by an Australian bush-warrior armed with some ancient-but still working-bayonet. I guess a bayonet always works, no matter how old it is. Like a sword. But I digress…
Jack and Jacqueline were both charged with criminal neglect of a child resulting in death, and were escorted in separate squad cars to the local police station. Their story doesn’t get any better from here. The guilt will never leave either of them, despite whatever fate the courts decide.
The End
Names have not been changed to protect the innocent.
Jack and Jacqueline Mason (their names made them perfect for each other) thought they had it all. The money. The power. The women. You know, we’ve all seen Scarface. They even had a nice house, and a baby, named Jacob (Really? This family could use some tragedy). Jack was a veteran of the Australian-American war, and had brought back several armaments to serve as reminders of the horrors he witnessed on the beaches of Adelaide. These included a few rifles, a boomerang-pistol (a very interesting, if dangerous, weapon) and a few landmines, which he and his wife believed to be completely disarmed and harmless. Jacqueline was a flight attendant, which is completely irrelevant to this story, but I felt like she needed a little more characterization.
On a clear day in September, Jack and Jacqueline decided to share the history of the A-A conflict with baby Jacob. They checked the rifles, the boomerang-pistol (man you should see this thing), and the landmines, confirming they were all safe, and then, against their better judgment, allowed Jacob to examine each item in his own hands. He turned the rifle over, tinkering with the knobs (it was a very advanced rifle), before growing bored and throwing it aside. He then turned his attention to the boomerang-pistol, which he found very interesting. He held it up, carefully straightening his aim, and even gave it a throw a few times. This went on for several dozen minutes, which is an extraordinarily long time for a baby to pay attention to anything, but he finally exhausted his interest in the boomerang-pistol. The only remaining items were the few landmines, which were of several makes and models. A few even looked like small plastic balls. The baby was very amused with these, and even tossed them around. Jack and Jacqueline were very concerned over this, and quickly put the rifles and pistol away, but allowed the baby to continue with the mines, as every time they moved to take it away, he started crying fiercely. As Jack was putting the boomerang-pistol back into its special case, he heard a muffled BOOM, and quickly ran back to his wife and now-exploded child.
The aftermath was awful. Exploded baby was everywhere. It took several hours for police to arrive, and even the hardest of the lieutenants had never seen anything like this. Jacqueline had fainted on the spot. Jack, a war veteran, was sitting in the corner sobbing not unlike the time his buddy Joshua had been gutted by an Australian bush-warrior armed with some ancient-but still working-bayonet. I guess a bayonet always works, no matter how old it is. Like a sword. But I digress…
Jack and Jacqueline were both charged with criminal neglect of a child resulting in death, and were escorted in separate squad cars to the local police station. Their story doesn’t get any better from here. The guilt will never leave either of them, despite whatever fate the courts decide.
The End
Unlikely Facts for 8/18/2010
* Anteaters can survive for up to thirty-six days without eating ants. They will instead sustain themselves with nuts and berries.
* The Great White Shark is really kinda grey. I'm not sure what idiot gave it that name. And if you ask me for my opinion, it's not even that great.
* The surface of the Sun is so hot, scientists have reported it as "something like sticking your hand on an oven multiplied by a billion and six."
* The hit television series LOST on ABC was actually based on journal entries discovered at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. No one knows who the author was.
* Louis Springfield, of Springfield, CT (Yes, his family is used to it) turns 50 today! Unfortunately, no-one in his family has ever lived to see fifty-one, so it's less of a birthday celebration than you'd think.
* The Great White Shark is really kinda grey. I'm not sure what idiot gave it that name. And if you ask me for my opinion, it's not even that great.
* The surface of the Sun is so hot, scientists have reported it as "something like sticking your hand on an oven multiplied by a billion and six."
* The hit television series LOST on ABC was actually based on journal entries discovered at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. No one knows who the author was.
* Louis Springfield, of Springfield, CT (Yes, his family is used to it) turns 50 today! Unfortunately, no-one in his family has ever lived to see fifty-one, so it's less of a birthday celebration than you'd think.
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